I was angry and mad. I had to work full time in my new job. That was not what I had in mind. I wanted to have more time to do my creative work. Instead I spend my time giving support for some cloud services. I wasn’t even an expert on this topic. And I know myself: I would lean fully into it. The next six month I would give everything to learn and understand these issues. That will drag my away from writing and photography.
My mindfuck scenario was: I will have no time for myself. My job will take all the time and energy. I won’t be able to do what I enjoy and love the most.
After I had pouted enough a new thought came into my head. What if I would use my experiences as material for my writing. I could put it into a book like: 365 Ways Office Dont Work. It is a complex tool and people find crazy ways to use it.
Or Communication Breakdown. I report on the pitfalls of modern communication. We are short messeging each other, but we miss so much information in that and we are not aware of that. We interpretate what we read and take our interpretation for the truth. But even in a face to face communication we misunderstand each other. So how could we understand each other in a chat?
My wife told me: Everything coalesce your job, your writing your coaching. Everything is one.
Suddenly I realesed what that means.
The idea was simple: I get an easy job that pays my bills. Then I will have the freedom to be creative without the pressure of making a living of my art.
So far so good.
I was lucky, there were plenty of job offers. Everybody seems to do an online business but still they need someone who can talk to their customers. And that would be me. For almost every application I send I got invited for an interview or at least a telephone interview. One company invited me even to a get-to-know-day: They presented themselves and I had the opportunity to watch a colleague over his shoulder during his work. In the lunch break I took a little walk. Every cell in my body screamed: “I don’t want to work here!”
I tried to tell myself: Be cool. The payment is good and the working hours are fine.
In the end I didn’t get the job. We agreed on that I was overqualified.
What have I learned from this time?
First of all: I don’t have to be afraid that I won’t have a job and an income. This is a great relief for me. I kept this fear for far to long. The next is that I can feel comfortable with saying to conditions that don’t suit me. I learned to appreciate my abilities and knowledge. And I listened to my intuition.
In the end I got a job which is quite of a challenge for me again. But that is fine. It won’t get boring this way.
… than setting goals
On the surface wishes and goals are about the same: I think of the future and imagine an situation that I would like t achieve: Something I don’t have and I like to have or something that I have but I don’t want it (like losing weight or finishing a novel)
But the way I find my wish is completely different from how I set a goal. Setting goals is something that I create in my head. It feels like something from outside of me.
If I make a wish I feel connected with myself. It is like a journey to my inner self. I think about what is my true nature – what is my purpose. How can I live that to its full potential?
Golas should be SMART:
- Time framed
When I make a wish the important aspects are different:
- I think about which knowledge, which power, which abilities I already have to fulfill the wish
- What am I willing to give to fulfill the wish
- How do I feel when that wish come true. Who I would be then, how my world would change.
Pursuing goals I have a problem with my motivation. It is no fun! And I need something to reward myself afterward.
When a wish comes true the reward is part of the process itself. I become more myself and I do life more authenticly. Automatically I am a happier person then .
My first shooting experience with a model was great. I wanted to take my photography on the next level. I love to take pictures of people but in the past I shot people secretly – too afraid to ask them for their permission.
I signed in a website for models and photographers and asked three women if the like to shoot with me.
One answered immediately and the results of the shooting were amazing. When the second model answered I was amazed how easy it is to connect and agree on a shooting.
But this time it was a completely different situation. We had trouble to agree on a date. Three times we had to postpone the shooting. In the end it didn’t happen.
Maybe I was a little naiv. I thought it is only about taking pictures. Baut if you are interacting with other people other factors play a role also.
As I am new on the site, I don’t have any credits. Also I am an older guy asking a pretty young woman for a date. They might feel flattered, that might be insecure, they might have heart of some bad experiences.
So many possibilities I was not aware of. And I never will. Which is good in the end. If I had conidered all of this before I wouldn’T dare to ask any of them.
It started as a joke. Raphaela and I had a hot chocolate at the lovely Kater und Goldfisch in Berlin-Wedding. After finishing I asked her to read the tea leaves. She looked at what was left of the homemade chocolate and explained:
“I see several streams that run parallel. Like rivers. They are in rocks in them but these rocks don’t really block the streams. All these rivers run into a great lake. At the end of the lake there is a huge mountain.
I can also see a cat. She sits with her back to the mountain. And there is an eye that watches over the whole scene.
She described my life very accurate. Her words addressed the issue I am dealing with right now:
When will this mess of my life make sense?
My interest that wanders from writing to coaching and from photography to meditation.
In my head I had this thought: To be successful I’ll have to find the one thing that is mine and then follow my passion. I’ve got to be consistent. But how could I when my curiosity drags me from one thing to another. I was neither consistent nor had I found my passion yet.
Well, my wife knows me well. And she told me exactly what I needed to hear:
“Don’t worry”, she said. “Just follow your instincts.” That gave me confidence. I am not an hopeless case. That all of this will make sense in the end.
But let this give a second thought. Isn’t it that all parallels will meet in infinity as mathematics say? It might be that infinity is a little bit to far away for me to wait for. “I want the world and I want it now!” Jim Morrison shouted. “I wanna live and I want it now!” the Ramones sang. These songs I would like to sing along with.
I felt unsatisfied with the answer. Of course I follow my instincts. I always did. There is no other way for me. But if I am going to live my life like this I have to accept that the outcome of my actions doesn’t count. Enjoy the ride is all that there is. And find the beauty in what is.
I admire those people who have a clear vision of themself. My wife for example. She is a singer all of her life. Or Matthias, a friend from high school, who became an architect just as he always wanted to be.
I even envy them. They seemed to be so laser focused. They know exactly what they want and how to get it. My life isn’t like that.
My life is a long and winding road. I am always questening myself. Who am I? What do I really want and what do I need? How should my life look like? What is the right thing for me to do?
I am always full of self-doubt and with little self-believe. When I got the answer to these questions one day the next day I will start over.
“That leeds me to your door” the Beatles sing in that song The Long and Winding Road. In there lies the hope that this constantly looking for answers will come to an end.
But what if behind that door there is another long and winding road? What if this journey do not come to an end? What if I stay a traveler all my life exploring my life and myself.
Wouldn’t it be better to see the benefit of that process and feel good about it?
One thing is for certain. To hit rock bottom doesn’t scare me anymore. When things get tough and when a storm comes up I stay calm because I know what to do I and can trust my powers my abilities. I am aware of my options. I can make decisions without hesitating, take action, take the responsibility.
And I don’t take anything for granted.
Learn to be such a good fighter so that you don’t have to fight any more. Then the time has come to face for biggest opponent: your self.
I take pictures since I was a child. For a very long time I denied that my ability to see with my heart and soul could be off value for others.
I knew that my photos were good. Every time I showed one of them to my friends they were very impressed.
I’ll become 44 tomorrow. I decided to give myself a present and become a professional artist.
I will trust in the power of simply doing things. Focus on the joy of my work and do what I am good at and what I love.
I take pictures since I was a child. I remember a photo I took with the camera of my parents when I was 13. If you ask when I became a photographer I would mention this photo. It stayed with me a told me that I have the talent to capture something with the camera there are no words for.
Over the time my equipment changed. I love to take pictures of people outside with a natural light. I never dared to become a professional photographer. I knew that my photos were good and I also got a positive response every time I showed my pictures my friends.
So what held me back? I just could not imagine that I can make a living of my talent.
At the end of September Foto Meyer organized a trade show. I went there to attend some workshops for free and listen to some professional photographers talking about their art and craft.
Ulla Lohmann told her story how she sneaked her way in to become a wild life photographers for BBC or National Geographics.
She gave some advice how to aproach people and how to get a good picture of them. To get a model release is a great issue because without it you cannot sell your pictures to the magazines. She told us how to get a model release from people who have no idea what that is.
Kai Strut talked about his way to success and that his intuition guided him. That he had it all and lost it all. And how his intiution helped him to reinvent himself.
Jens Burger showed some of his work he did for Fujifilm. When he was asked: Who will buy these pictures? He repied: I just do this for fun and for your entertainment. So I hope you enjoy it.
I took some pictures at the workshop. But what was my true intention to be at this trade show? It seems like I wanted to know something. Do I have what it takes to be a pro?
Do I have what it takes to be a pro? Well, it looks like all it takes is to have the guts to just do what you love. To focus on the joy of the work and don’t pay to much attention to the question: Will it sell.
So do I have the courage to do what it takes to become the photographer I already am?
For years I am trying to solve the riddle of my life and my self.
It seems that my life only works the magical way. In a world of algorithms, challenges and goals this is hard for me to accept because it makes me feel like an alien.
I always had a strong intuition which led me to places where i can grow emotionally, personally and economically. But still it is hard for me to use the intuition as a foundation of my life.
To give you a glimpse of my intuition and what I mean with my life works only magically I will tell you what happened to me last week:
I helped my friend in moving to her new home. A few years ago we worked together in an organic bakery. Although we got along pretty well with each other I had only loose contact with her.
I send her a massage from my vacation on Sicily because the that she had been there and she liked the island.
She wrote me back that she is moving to a new home. I answered her that if she needed help she could ask me any time.
She was so happy about my offer. She had asked all of their friends for help but nobody had time. So she didn’t dare to ask me although she had thought of me.
I was glad to help her. We haven’t seen each other for more than a year.
A lot of people say that it is hard to get a flat in Berlin. That has never been my experience. Also my friend told me a different story how she got the new flat.
She lived for more than seven years in a WG with changing flatmades. She wanted t find out in which direction her life will go and had come to the conclusion that she needed to change places.
On day she went to a marriage party although she didn’t felt like it. There she met a woman who told her that she all how away for a year and needed some to look after her home. She will leave in October which was only a moth from that day. My friend needed a new home by October. They liked each other and the rest is simple.
Coincidences you may say. You might be right but it happens all the time.